Friday, 12 April 2013

The Night I Burned The Rice

Today my ex is moving out. I consider this day to be the beginning of the end. It is the start in a long process of changing addresses, bank appointments, custody and support agreements, and more. It is the end of a relationship past it's expiry date.

More than all of that though, today is the beginning of something new. A life on my own full of courage and strength, tears and lonely nights. What a mix of emotions this day brings! I am excited for this life change, but I'm bummed at what might have been. Tonight for the first time in many years I will be completely alone in the sense of not having a man around.

My heart is bruised and battered, as all the hurts from seven long years catch up to me. I'm amazed at how willingly we sometimes blind ourselves to our own pain, for the sake of the bigger picture.

As his stuff slowly disappears from my hallway, I feel renewed. With every box that goes I breathe a little bit easier.

On a side note, I was being very clever tonight and decided to throw an extra cup of rice in the pot to help myself out for a meal tomorrow. Apparently, rice cooks faster the more you add because it's all burnt! I'll forever remember this day by the night I burnt the rice.

Wednesday, 10 April 2013

A New Leaf of Many

Over the past two weeks, I have been taking a really hard look at my life. I see clutter, excess, and just plain mess all around me. I also haven't been eating healthy for a very long time. The more closely I examine these things the more I realize that they were there to fill several voids and stuff down emotions caused by an unhealthy relationship. I've been burying myself.

My ex has found a place of his own, and will be moving out within the next week. I'm ready to take my life back. I am in awe of the amount of stuff we have acquired over the past year, and over the past seven years. It is time to cleanse my apartment. In doing so, I will be cleansing my heart and mind.

All this time that I have been burying myself under unhealthy food and piles of stuff, I've unintentionally piled it on top of my children too. Gone are the days that I would bring out a large platter of fruits and vegetables for us to snack on before breakfast. Veggies with hummus for lunch? Yeah, try cookies followed with microwaved potatoes. I was blind to my life and the problems that my relationship was causing.

No more can I live like this. Today is a new beginning. While I slowly help pack up my ex's things I will also be packing up much of my previous life. This is only the start of several positive changes to come. I am a strong, capable, devoted Mother - no more excuses.

Monday, 1 April 2013

ME Before WE

Some time ago, I mentioned that I was neglecting my blog and that I would need to make some changes. The truth is, I just wasn't feeling it anymore. I had been uninspired for some time. But now I have news to share with you, and have found a direction at last. Maybe this is just what I needed, and in that way of thinking my announcement could be viewed as positive...

I have recently become a single Mother. By recently, I mean last week. And the man slumbers on the couch, with nowhere to go.

I am choosing to take this time of desperate seperation to heal. I have been carrying many wounds for many years. It is time to self-love in every sense of the word. I tend to bury myself beneath others and their needs. Wether you believe in it or not, I am a typical pisces. I shape myself to fit the expectations of others. No more. It is time to find myself under all of these layers that I have created.

In my journey of self-love and healing, I have picked up a book from my shelves that had been sitting here for a long time. I tried to read it once before, but felt as though it didn't apply to my life. I connect with Choosing Me before We by Christine Arylo now more than ever. At the end of each chaper she asks questions of the reader to answer. I won't describe the questions here without Christine Arylo's personal permission but I can reveal in part my own answers. Perhaps you can relate.

One of the things that I realized while reading the self reflection answers at the end of chapter one, is that I am not present within myself, for myself - and also for my children. For too long I have been consumed with fixing a dead relationship and trying to appeal to a man who was gone before he left. In this way, I have not been all that I can for my children.

Knowing this also reminds me that while I will give my children one hundred percent, I deserve the same treatment from myself. For as Christine Arylo puts it, "All our relationships begin with ME."

This is going to be a long journey full of creativity and fun. I can just feel it! No longer will I put off my aspirations for the sake of others. In ending one relationship I am beginning another - the one with myself. There is an entire person that needs to be explored. What better time to do so than right now?